High School Clothes: where you are feels a lot like where you've been

Just this last week my mother was cleaning out her room- and she called me, "Honey, I found some clothes in the room and I put them aside for you to go through. Whatever you don't want, just let me know and I will [insert thrift of choice] them."

I went and grabbed clothes, and since I've been watching a lot of TLC's what not to wear lately, it got me thinking about my reaction to my clothes that have been put away since 2007. I had some things that I pulled out and realized why I hadn't missed them [thrift or trash that shit], yet other things I instantly put in the keep pile; some for sentimental reasons and some for "Hell I can still wear this" reasons. This whole post started because I sat and thought about the past looking at these clothes- some of them I didn't wear because I recognized that they were beautiful but too old for me at the time, so that was neat that I was able to pull out a jacket and go "Oh yeah, this is for me." It was also cool thinking about a time when I had almost all hand me-downs, I have memories of "that last time I wore this shirt I actually remember wearing it. My hair was this style and I owned these pants. I was at the school play managing a wing and then I never saw it again." I wanted to keep it because it was like I lost it, instead of what really happened which was I had thousands of shirts and it got missed in the shuffle.

Obviously these have been out of sight, out of mind. As I went through it pulled me back in time with my feet firmly in the present. I've been thinking about high school a lot lately, and it was serendipitous that my mom chose this week to grab a hunk of my past and thrust it into the light- My friends, boyfriend of the time, life's agitations and leadership roles I took.

I find it really interesting that the things I wanted to keep from the bag were the things I kept back in the day and couldn't bear to part with- maybe they were classic or beautiful. I pulled out this blue shirt that I loved because it was very scandalous and low cut (not my usual style especially in high school) I always thought it made me look pretty and the color was great with my hair. I took one look at it, had all those memories, and instantly trashed it. It is a box with a v neck that is ridiculously short waisted and would look terrible. Ditto my flannel boxers with cows in tutus on them and the hole torn in the butt. I do not need them to be happy.

I also pulled out another teeshirt that I always liked because it was Navy (little known fact: favorite clothing color) with a line that goes across the top of the bust in an attractive way. I know it fits and looks cute. I have no idea how I forgot about it. Add a jacket and one of my awesome pencil skirts, a pair of heels and a necklace and I would look glam. It's classic. So that one was instant keeps.

I am definitely not the same person I was then; I feel depleted; I remember myself being so much stronger and more put together at 17 than I am at 24 today. Mostly, the clothes made me think about my current relationship and how I am strangely and disturbingly in the same place all over again.

Relationship wise, *picture me standing in my mother's living room holding a sweater or something while all this runs through my head* I remember walking all over my boyfriend and definitely feeling like I wore the pants. At times I remember even feeling bad because I knew he just buttoned lip and dealt with it and resented it, but also at other times I would be frustrated (and elated) when he would say "Yeah well, I'm gonna do this. Sucks for you." This same attitude attracted me to my current boyfriend as well- saying "I'll chop the lettuce how I want to chop the damn lettuce woman, now help me here and cut up those tomatoes."

Thinking on how then I was in a long term relationship, life was a little falling apart, I was a bully to my boyfriend, I was really in the air about going to college, for what, to what end- thats a really large decision for a young person to make. Now having seen the results of those past actions it brings a lot of fear into my life and makes me doubt my path choices.

I did end up going to college, the one with rolling admissions that gave me the best scholarship and had a campus I instantly felt comfortable on. My boyfriend did leave me at the beginning of college. Because we remained friends for a while, I was able to deduce I made him feel unwanted and unappreciated. Last time we talked over a year ago, at age 23 he was with someone and had said one of the reasons he loves her is because she makes him feel so wanted and loved, and that is important to him. I always thought it was really good that he saw that so clearly, and knew he needed that in a relationship. It also made me realize I never made him feel like that in all the years we dated. Family life was less rough as I clawed my way out of it and into dorm living, and with a new goal and a new boyfriend I tackled freshman year.

At home lately I feel like a tyrant, almost as if we had children and I was suffering from 'why is mommy always the bad guy' syndrome. My current boyfriend has been pointing out how miserable and nitpicky I've been lately- An Example- "You cook dinner, I don't want to- look you burned this because you didn't do it right, if you paid attention it would still be in the realm of the living and edible." That this offends him is legitimate and it would make me angry as well if someone talked to me that way, only an insane person would yell at someone for the little things. However, all of a sudden I am INCAPABLE of going with the flow and letting it roll off anymore. I walk into this house, and it TRULY BOTHERS MY SOUL and I cannot fathom why someone would leave a cup in the sink with milk sitting in it to sour and curdle instead of rinsing out the glass. I know I shouldn't scream about it, rationally, and I know it is damaging my relationship, but it makes me want to throw something breakable. Laser beam eyes. The water works. The whole nine yards. Some days I am one milky glass away from the edge.

The review of that uncertain time in my life has made me recognize patterns. I was holding shirts and pants that I actually wore last time this happened- being unhappy, having no idea of a solid goal, being lost, having a high pressure external stressor I cannot cope with and taking it out on my partner.

I know I have to break the cycle but I'm not sure how to do so. I imagine the first step is getting a goal to work toward, and people keep telling me to jump, just do it, investigate and make a leap of faith. But I am so tired and I am in a "devil you know" kind of place. I think if I leapt and didn't make it I might not get up again.  I think a hundred people could tell me to jump and I would still stand stock still with terror, crying and spewing bullshit about how my boyfriend doesn't love me because he leaves glasses with milk in them in the sink for two days. How do you get out of the pit? Do you just wake up one day like Dorothy, shake off your technicolor horrorshow and the will to take charge in your life again is there?

Wheat Grass, and the Desire to shop, attachment to things.

So we planted Wheat Grass and guess what it grew! The last two months have seen the passive death of my two christmas cacti that were attacked a year ago by the varmint in our yard, the echeveria that I bought thinking " I have a grow light and it will grow!" and my jade has grown taller then it's stem can support. Snake plant going strong, norfolk pine may not be dead by christmas, and wandering Jew is looking REALLY SAD but has yet to kick the proverbial bucket.

I don't know what happened, all of a sudden keeping my plants alive and healthy has taken a back burner. Other things hijacked my life and it was a huge blow to realize that I literally let my cacti die by not watering them. I just forgot to keep them alive.

I am watching what not to wear and remembering when I used to care what I looked like at work. I mean, I got up and did my makeup. I wore little heels and pencil skirts and button ups, I'm not sure if the anxiety about constantly screwing up has pushed it out of my life, but I have become one of those "get a cotton top in a color that looks good and call it an outfit" type of person when I own 16 pairs of shoes, a dozen or so belts, no less than 10 pencil skirts, 8 dresses at least, 5 pairs of tights and more than twenty assorted tees and shirts. Not counting any jeans or work slacks. I have SO MANY clothes, and I do not feel like putting together an outfit any more. I keep looking online to find inspiration- but it really just makes me want to go shopping instead of fixing my life. Like a new coat will make me happy- I know it will not make me better at my job, pay my rent, help my bowling game, but hey. Why not spend money I don't have on something that will give me a momentary high every time I wear it until I wear it three times and stop wearing it.

I have many clothes I do not wear, but I won't get rid of them because: I hate doing laundry having lots of clothes is a reprieve. Someone I love gave it to me as a gift, or I bought it and don't want to admit I wasted my money and never wear it ( at least 7 tees fit in this category). It is not work appropriate/ It is but I want to keep it clean for work and cannot wear it in regular life. Lots of shirts in various shades of green. I think if I got rid of everything that didn't fit properly, I would have like 6 things to wear and I would be Bored. Currently having them doesn't make me happy, but I'm afraid to not have things, because things make me feel secure? Yet I feel so untethered and insecure anyway? Having Stuff is better than not having stuff, but is certainly confusing.

Sometimes I feel like...

I could have been a cheerleader if I were thinner in highschool, but looking back I had the exact same build as many of our cheerleaders and the only thing I didn't have was the desire to be a cheerleader and the stamina. And the quadriceps. I'm thinking gym membership.

Saturday

Nice weather today.
Woke up at 7:30 and went back to bed, crawled out of bed around 9:20 and went to work. Forgot to take off makeup so spruced it up a bit instead of cleaning my face and redo-ing it. YUP :D

10-5, work. Pretty boring day. Was terrified this strange sketchy woman would come back in but she did not so GO ME! I dealt with some other very friendly people instead.

5:30, leave work; went to parents so Dad could spoil me by both buying and replacing my headlight bulbs that blew. and checking my tire pressure. and fluids. Basically my home is like a Jiffy-Lube and thank god SOMEONE is looking after my car. Because though I always intend to it doesn't happen. Mom has fed me chili.

It's 7:30 now and my weekend is beginning. finalllyyyyy.

I have planned so far: to water my plants so they don't all put up tombstones, spray for ants (with borrowed ant spray), tomorrow to scotch guard my new fabrics (direct sales job) and meet with the lovely ladies that I am hosting an event with. Other than that I need to HAUL ASS on this print that's supposed to be postmarked the 30th and call several hundred people to try to get them to come to this event. And sign up for the March of Dimes and get me some donations. Save the premies!

WOO!

It's a FRIIIDAYYYY

Yesterday's Day:

In an effort to truly find out how I use my time I will shamelessly log it in here.

SO
7:30 am- wake up, roll over, kill alarm.
8:15 am- hit snooze
8:20 am get up! bathroom-turn on plant lights- throw lunch into a container, toss things in bag get clothes on body, pin hair, get in car.
8:37 off we go
9 am WORK
5 pm leave work.
drive home - good songs on the radio. sunny out.
5:30ish arrive home. putz with hubs, change into real person clothes, browse internet; catch up on comics. Kill a few ants. Research how to make carpenter ants stop eating our apartment and coming out of our walls. Hubs leaves for work. I realize how disheveled the apartment is but do not clean it up. Maybe this weekend.
6 pm get idea to make a blog to see how much tim I am wasting when I am not working and sleeping.
6:30 pur on clothes, go to danielle's for her party
7:00 WHICH IS NEXT WEEK ooops. so head to the mall instead. stop at michaels, grab some of those scissors that make the fun cutout borders. for my nails. Check it out- I do my nails sometimes. they are perpetually tragically short. I work around it.

Then went to Office Depot and grabbed some office supplies and a shredder finally. About time the junk mail is outrageous.

Got home around 9 pm, found out both my headlights blew at once and went to bed around midnight. Hubs-in-training got home at around...11. So I stayed up briefly afterward.

It has been two years. I have accomplished:

A bachelors degree
An apartment.
A long term relationship
Doing my own taxes (almost)

The plants have died, mostly. I have added a tiny tropical pine tree, two more christmas cacti (one from my grandfather is on death's doorstep) some very tiny and adorable succulent rosettes probably some sort of sedum. My Jades are doing ok. My aloe looks sick and the snake plant is turning skeletal and dry. Mint in the window sill is slowly dying waiting to be replanted.

I've been reading a lot of dog blogs. Got a nice reality check the other day when my neighbors dog got loose and scared the shit out of me. Reading and knowing about dogs is not the same thing as having experience with dogs. I WANT A CAT SO BAD. But I am afraid that I will not be able to afford one/ it will ruin my life by clawing all things I hold dear and in general not being as awesome as my one true cat, bob.

In other news, once upon a time you would go to college and then you would be able to get a job. I went to college- I studied hard, I aced my tests, I didn't skip, I graduated with a degree in Painting and a minor in Printmaking and Summa cum laude to beat. My whole life people told me that school doesn't matter, and to a certain extent they are right. The real world is not like school. There are no teachers in real life pressuring you to do better. Your boss is not your teacher- they are supposed to be, but for some reason you are willing to work so much harder for your teacher than your boss. But your boss gives you money! I don't understand it!

I want an art job. I do not want to direct a gallery, attempt to promote my nonexistent art to galleries, or teach children to finger paint degas images. I, however, cannot use any computer programs other than microsoft office suite and photoshop, have only a basic understanding of a camera, cannot use a light room, and cannot code for shit. Thus, I am experiencing limited job opportunities.

I have a job right now, full time with benefits. I'm so fortunate to have a job, but it isn't in the field I studied for, and these days the most artistic things I do are newsletters and posters where I toggle Word fonts. Then I get home and I'm exhausted and don't feel like doing any art. I mock things up and never touch them. Think of ideas and never paint them. Etc. Such is life. I can't imagine I'm the only one here, where no matter what the money is and what the work is, I'm not doing what I want to do or what I practiced for OR what I was trained to do for four years. That's a long time. I've spent two years post college looking for full time employment, now that I have that, I'm longing for full time employment doing something creative. Doesn't have to even be art per say- so maybe I should go back to school to fight the unhappies. Cause that's apparently a thing.