Just this last week my mother was cleaning out her room- and she called me, "Honey, I found some clothes in the room and I put them aside for you to go through. Whatever you don't want, just let me know and I will [insert thrift of choice] them."
I went and grabbed clothes, and since I've been watching a lot of TLC's what not to wear lately, it got me thinking about my reaction to my clothes that have been put away since 2007. I had some things that I pulled out and realized why I hadn't missed them [thrift or trash that shit], yet other things I instantly put in the keep pile; some for sentimental reasons and some for "Hell I can still wear this" reasons. This whole post started because I sat and thought about the past looking at these clothes- some of them I didn't wear because I recognized that they were beautiful but too old for me at the time, so that was neat that I was able to pull out a jacket and go "Oh yeah, this is for me." It was also cool thinking about a time when I had almost all hand me-downs, I have memories of "that last time I wore this shirt I actually remember wearing it. My hair was this style and I owned these pants. I was at the school play managing a wing and then I never saw it again." I wanted to keep it because it was like I lost it, instead of what really happened which was I had thousands of shirts and it got missed in the shuffle.
Obviously these have been out of sight, out of mind. As I went through it pulled me back in time with my feet firmly in the present. I've been thinking about high school a lot lately, and it was serendipitous that my mom chose this week to grab a hunk of my past and thrust it into the light- My friends, boyfriend of the time, life's agitations and leadership roles I took.
I find it really interesting that the things I wanted to keep from the bag were the things I kept back in the day and couldn't bear to part with- maybe they were classic or beautiful. I pulled out this blue shirt that I loved because it was very scandalous and low cut (not my usual style especially in high school) I always thought it made me look pretty and the color was great with my hair. I took one look at it, had all those memories, and instantly trashed it. It is a box with a v neck that is ridiculously short waisted and would look terrible. Ditto my flannel boxers with cows in tutus on them and the hole torn in the butt. I do not need them to be happy.
I also pulled out another teeshirt that I always liked because it was Navy (little known fact: favorite clothing color) with a line that goes across the top of the bust in an attractive way. I know it fits and looks cute. I have no idea how I forgot about it. Add a jacket and one of my awesome pencil skirts, a pair of heels and a necklace and I would look glam. It's classic. So that one was instant keeps.
I am definitely not the same person I was then; I feel depleted; I remember myself being so much stronger and more put together at 17 than I am at 24 today. Mostly, the clothes made me think about my current relationship and how I am strangely and disturbingly in the same place all over again.
Relationship wise, *picture me standing in my mother's living room holding a sweater or something while all this runs through my head* I remember walking all over my boyfriend and definitely feeling like I wore the pants. At times I remember even feeling bad because I knew he just buttoned lip and dealt with it and resented it, but also at other times I would be frustrated (and elated) when he would say "Yeah well, I'm gonna do this. Sucks for you." This same attitude attracted me to my current boyfriend as well- saying "I'll chop the lettuce how I want to chop the damn lettuce woman, now help me here and cut up those tomatoes."
Thinking on how then I was in a long term relationship, life was a little falling apart, I was a bully to my boyfriend, I was really in the air about going to college, for what, to what end- thats a really large decision for a young person to make. Now having seen the results of those past actions it brings a lot of fear into my life and makes me doubt my path choices.
I did end up going to college, the one with rolling admissions that gave me the best scholarship and had a campus I instantly felt comfortable on. My boyfriend did leave me at the beginning of college. Because we remained friends for a while, I was able to deduce I made him feel unwanted and unappreciated. Last time we talked over a year ago, at age 23 he was with someone and had said one of the reasons he loves her is because she makes him feel so wanted and loved, and that is important to him. I always thought it was really good that he saw that so clearly, and knew he needed that in a relationship. It also made me realize I never made him feel like that in all the years we dated. Family life was less rough as I clawed my way out of it and into dorm living, and with a new goal and a new boyfriend I tackled freshman year.
At home lately I feel like a tyrant, almost as if we had children and I was suffering from 'why is mommy always the bad guy' syndrome. My current boyfriend has been pointing out how miserable and nitpicky I've been lately- An Example- "You cook dinner, I don't want to- look you burned this because you didn't do it right, if you paid attention it would still be in the realm of the living and edible." That this offends him is legitimate and it would make me angry as well if someone talked to me that way, only an insane person would yell at someone for the little things. However, all of a sudden I am INCAPABLE of going with the flow and letting it roll off anymore. I walk into this house, and it TRULY BOTHERS MY SOUL and I cannot fathom why someone would leave a cup in the sink with milk sitting in it to sour and curdle instead of rinsing out the glass. I know I shouldn't scream about it, rationally, and I know it is damaging my relationship, but it makes me want to throw something breakable. Laser beam eyes. The water works. The whole nine yards. Some days I am one milky glass away from the edge.
The review of that uncertain time in my life has made me recognize patterns. I was holding shirts and pants that I actually wore last time this happened- being unhappy, having no idea of a solid goal, being lost, having a high pressure external stressor I cannot cope with and taking it out on my partner.
I know I have to break the cycle but I'm not sure how to do so. I imagine the first step is getting a goal to work toward, and people keep telling me to jump, just do it, investigate and make a leap of faith. But I am so tired and I am in a "devil you know" kind of place. I think if I leapt and didn't make it I might not get up again. I think a hundred people could tell me to jump and I would still stand stock still with terror, crying and spewing bullshit about how my boyfriend doesn't love me because he leaves glasses with milk in them in the sink for two days. How do you get out of the pit? Do you just wake up one day like Dorothy, shake off your technicolor horrorshow and the will to take charge in your life again is there?
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