Wheat Grass, and the Desire to shop, attachment to things.

So we planted Wheat Grass and guess what it grew! The last two months have seen the passive death of my two christmas cacti that were attacked a year ago by the varmint in our yard, the echeveria that I bought thinking " I have a grow light and it will grow!" and my jade has grown taller then it's stem can support. Snake plant going strong, norfolk pine may not be dead by christmas, and wandering Jew is looking REALLY SAD but has yet to kick the proverbial bucket.

I don't know what happened, all of a sudden keeping my plants alive and healthy has taken a back burner. Other things hijacked my life and it was a huge blow to realize that I literally let my cacti die by not watering them. I just forgot to keep them alive.

I am watching what not to wear and remembering when I used to care what I looked like at work. I mean, I got up and did my makeup. I wore little heels and pencil skirts and button ups, I'm not sure if the anxiety about constantly screwing up has pushed it out of my life, but I have become one of those "get a cotton top in a color that looks good and call it an outfit" type of person when I own 16 pairs of shoes, a dozen or so belts, no less than 10 pencil skirts, 8 dresses at least, 5 pairs of tights and more than twenty assorted tees and shirts. Not counting any jeans or work slacks. I have SO MANY clothes, and I do not feel like putting together an outfit any more. I keep looking online to find inspiration- but it really just makes me want to go shopping instead of fixing my life. Like a new coat will make me happy- I know it will not make me better at my job, pay my rent, help my bowling game, but hey. Why not spend money I don't have on something that will give me a momentary high every time I wear it until I wear it three times and stop wearing it.

I have many clothes I do not wear, but I won't get rid of them because: I hate doing laundry having lots of clothes is a reprieve. Someone I love gave it to me as a gift, or I bought it and don't want to admit I wasted my money and never wear it ( at least 7 tees fit in this category). It is not work appropriate/ It is but I want to keep it clean for work and cannot wear it in regular life. Lots of shirts in various shades of green. I think if I got rid of everything that didn't fit properly, I would have like 6 things to wear and I would be Bored. Currently having them doesn't make me happy, but I'm afraid to not have things, because things make me feel secure? Yet I feel so untethered and insecure anyway? Having Stuff is better than not having stuff, but is certainly confusing.