today there was a choice of many things, getting up , going to the ceramics studio to finish the final project, painting early, finishing some waterbased media stuff. I chose: sleep.

Just woke up at ten fifty, gotta grab breakfast deliver a check go to the studio and work, then to six hours of painting class. then more work, as I have finals that need finishing. Ah the life.

I feel kind of like a bomb waiting to self destruct. I'm pretty sure I'm going to get sick as soon as my will to succeed stops powering me, I'm dizzy and nauseous all the time. Here's hoping its a stomach bug and nothing more.

April showers.

I have come to the conclusion that blogging alone is not very fun, but it does allow me to do this.

People should not have the ability to spontaneously attack you verbally because you said something you shouldn't have said, thinking you were being helpful. They should not be able to throw things on the ground while yelling, ("I wasn't yelling, did you think I was yelling at you?" DEFINITION YELLING: RAISED VOICE, a.k.a. yes you were yelling bitch)about how they aren't going to turn this in,*drops on ground* and shooting off casual little snips to make it personal, blowing your argument for them to calm THE FUCK DOWN out of proportion and the water simultaneously (though they claim later that it wasn't anything to do with YOU personally).

WELL. To the woman who gave me that queasy my-personal-space-has-been-violated feeling yesterday for an ENTIRE DAY and made me cry though I was neither angry nor sad, YOU ARE TOO TENSE and a bitch. I hope everything you work on collapses and you never have a good clay day again.

I would wish upon you that your stubbornness be your end, and that nothing you ever do be perfect enough and so consume you in a ball of self hatred and eternal frustration, but I will assume those particular insults are self fulfilling given the way you exploded like Mt. St. Helen in my face.

And now back to the scene of the crime because I have homework that is very specific in ceramics and there is only one place on this campus with a wheel I can work on.

And in volly to that horrid quip, Yes, why DON'T you come and paint next to me? I am a FUCKING PAINTER. I will paint your ceramic ass into the ground until you feel like the mud that cerulean and umber with a touch of pthalo green make and you in turn for your major, play with.

THE END.

nothin new going on

I had a dream that I was being attacked by wasps that looked like butterflies.

Well, they looked like butterflies to everyone else. To me they looked like wasps. Big ones that stung me. Curiously, the stings didn't really sting; it was more like a sharp, then slow burn. but no one seemed upset about them. They were only stinging me, but in this weird...They'd drift over to me, sit all delicately and daintily on my hands, and I'd look at them going, wow you're new and majestic! Its response to that silent private thought each time was to sting my hands on the fingertips or the skin by my thumb.

Oddly enough, Brennen had a dream about bees on vacation the night I couldn't sleep because Boyfriend and Bren woke me up talking about Sea World. He was murmuring and grunting and rolling over frantically for a good amount of time. He was dreaming about bees he said the next day. Boyfriend dreamed about bees too, just before we left for vacation.

I being the curious mofo I am went to the nets to find out what dreaming about bees means, because I haven't been able to get the dream out of my head. I got this:

"To dream of being stung by a wasp may be evidence of painful emotions or being stung by the remarks of others. If you are not stung, it is a sign of victory over your troubles."

"Being stung, such as by an insect, can represent a feeling or fear of being attacked or acted on in a negative way in real life—physically, mentally, or emotionally;Being overburdened by external circumstances; Betrayal, intrusion, or someone crossing your personal boundaries or taking advantage of you"

"This insect is capable of stinging and hurting you, it may denote, when seen in dreams, something or someone that can bring you misfortune and bad luck. If the wasp in your dream manages to sting you, this means that you have faced or are going to face obstacles and problems in your waking life."

"To see a wasp in you dream, signifies angry thoughts and feelings. To dream that you are stung by a wasp, symbolizes growing envy and hatred towards you."

Pretty negative feedback from the nets, right? OK so being stung by a wasp has to do with being overwhelmed and misfortune either occurring or coming soon. Also envy, and hatred. other angry emotions. Now, let us investigate the fact that everyone else in the dream, including Boyfriend, saw the wasps as butterflies. They were all going on about how delicate and pretty they were. They didn't feel threatened by them at all, and they didn't get stung (none of them even landed on the other people). what about butterflies? what do they mean?

"The bigger and more beautiful the butterfly, the more of an impression you will make on society, or at a special function that you must attend. Use the other symbols in your dream to get you on the right track." (also a blurb about the need to settle down and stop flitting from person to person. Which I don't do...and neither does Boyfriend.)

"butterflies traditionally denote a change either occurring or coming soon. they are sometimes considered to be a sign of changes outside of your control due to their affiliation with both chaos and death."

"To see a butterfly in your dream, denotes your need to settle down. Butterflies signify creativity, romance, joy and spirituality. You may be experiencing a transformation into a new way of thinking. Or you may be undergoing a transitional phase. Alternatively, consider the term "social butterfly" to describe someone who is popular and outgoing. Does this describe you? Perhaps you need to be more outgoing."

This is interesting, because the only correlation I can see here is that change is coming and it's in the form of a huge and rocky precipice for me, while others see it as a good thing. Which is scary. Perhaps in the dream they saw the greatness and the impression on society, the positive, and I saw the jealousy, envy and darkness, and was therefore stung. Very appropriate considering how I spent most of my vacation wallowing in misery, and have since forgotten two meetings with teachers. Being Lazy makes life overwhelming and I have felt very overwhelmed lately. Still the wasp sting/ butterfly correlation is odd. I also remember not saying anything about being stung because no one else seemed to notice. Then I woke up.

vacation from hell.

Just got back from Florida. Sunny Florida. And what was possible the worst, least relaxing vacation I have ever had the opportunity to endure.

Had my boyfriend woken up with me each day and gone somewhere, we reflected later in hindsight, it would not have been as bad as waiting until three for the family we were with to NOT decide where we were going, pile in the car for anywhere between one to three hours of perilous driving on Orlando's many scenic highways, to end up at a begrudgingly decided location. Once we were at said location, be it Epcot, a restaurant, the host family's mom gladly paid for our tickets and meals (much obliged host family.) The host family's children were whiny and mopey and didn't want to do anything. (They were also adults who are perfectly capable of having their asses left behind if they were not cooperative enough, but that didn't happen. not once.)

WE drag the host family's children around for maybe three to five hours maximum before we leave the place that we paid good money to go to. WE go back to the hotel. We then decide to go out for dinner, because it is now about eight o'clock. AN hour discussion ensues in which we cannot decide where to go to dinner. They don't want to go where I want to go, but they don't know where they want to go or have no opinion whatsoever but glare at my suggestions. We get in the van with no destination as before.

WE find a restaurant and return home not totally satisfied. Boyfriend and host son drag me to the pool until 11 p.m. Then I returned burned out from the stress of the day to want to sleep, but instead stay awake talking or watching them play computer games until about an hour and a half after my desired bedtime and way after my patience has ran out. The next morning I rise at around ten, and wait for everyone else to get up for three to five hours. It is vacation hell. I am glad t obe coming home. Bonus points on Friday for having the other host son get bombed on stolen alcohol and rest his giant ass under-aged body on the foot of my bed refusing to leave for an hour or so, at three a.m. AND the scene where Boyfriend and Host Son went out for pizza at 1:30 without waking me up, only to return at three and have a loud conversation waking me up. They then proceeded to sleep like babies the rest of the night while I remained awake boiling with fury and not being able to fall back asleep until the not so wee hours.

On coming home: Waited on United Airways planes for 14 hours on Saturday. Trust me, even if it's more money, don't fly with them.

ALSO

the day before we left Manch, I was walking through the park; the snow had melted. I fund a totally new barely used pot of tan DCT lip balm, the kind I had lost the previous week of my illness. I am sure it was mine, but I put it on a bench anyway.

Vanishing Chapstik

Approximately twelve hours ago, walking in the rain and sick, I went into a CVS. Items on me with pockets were my coat, my scarf with pockets on the ends, and a pair of jeans. I was carrying a purple canvas bag, with screen printed sneakers on it. I have had it since my youth. It has been filled with many things. These days it is filled with my tools for ceramics.

While at this CVS, I walked around the Cold Remedy isle. That's actually what it says on the placard above the isle, Cold Remedies. I stare at the great expanse of cold remedies. There are ones you drink, magical elixars hat make your head feel attached again. There are nose sprays that if used for more then three days make you lose your sense of smell. There are organic natural remedies; suckables, chewables, swallowables- ahh yes. DayQuil. Mine sworn enemy. The one that makes my friend sarah super high and giggly. I pick up a box of the orange stuff and proceed to check out.

Whil at the register, being one of three customers in the whole store (it's a rainy friday, can't blame them all) I spy a Blistex pot of lip balm. The blue mentholated kind. The kind that burns. I ask if they have the kind in the Tan pot, the still mentholated but much more palatable kind, and the young woman kindly fetches me one from the next register over.

I walk out, put it on my nose, and take my first breath of fresh air in two days. The Menthol jumps up my nose clears out my head, and the world is sunny. Except that it is still raining and by now I am wet.

I take a DayQuil and forget my troubles for many hours, which I while away making bowls and glazing mugs in the ceramics studio.

It is now 11:15. My head is full of mucus. I am on cold medicine, and can still not breathe. I am looking for my awesome imitation Vick's Blistex DCT lip balm. Because it will make me breathe like a champ.

I cannot find it. It is not in my coat pockets. It is not in my bag, having emptied it out three times of its meager contents I am sure. It is not in the pockets of the scarf, and though I have checked the pants many times it is not there either. It has vanished into thin air.

I call my boyfriend. He does not have it. Of course. He put some on his nose too, he could have had it; it would have been logical. BUT NO. It has vanished into thin air. Which means that in just barely 12 hours, I spent some of the little money I have on it, I used it once, and I lost it to the world.

It's probably chilling with all the lost socks in some sick universe of lost things. SICK I SAY. The most sick thing is that i still have this awful chapstick I got for free from the college fair...three years ago. But the DCT lip balm is gone. Of Course.