May.

Therapy is going interestingly.

I had a very bad bout, managed to white knuckle hold on and not die, lived in the liminal space that is not-quite-depression, but not-quite-normalcy for a few weeks, then a couple of days of honest to god good mood. I don't think I was properly thankful for them.

It's back already and I feel like I barely had any time to recover myself from the last time. I already feel tired, I already am struggling to shower, and brush my teeth, and sleep and get up and eat like a human- and I have, in essence, a personal chef making sure I eat.

I want very, very much to do the things I am supposed to do.
I'm supposed to get moving, because it's good for my brain chemicals; I'm supposed to do my homework because, don't I WANT to pass my classes and graduate nursing school!? I'm supposed to be getting rid of things, de-cluttering, vacuuming, showering, walking, having sex, enjoying being a part of a loving perfect couple, I'm supposed to be taking care of my animals, and dusting and wiping down counters and cleaning the bathroom. I'm supposed to get up and log into work on time and actually do my job. I'm supposed to be happy and be enjoying the bounty that is my life, that I have worked hard to shape.

I'm NOT supposed to be taking naps, being mean to my partner, being nonstop cranky, browsing pinterest, online shopping for things I don't really need with the money I don't have.

In counseling, we talk a lot about reframing things from what you're "supposed to do" which will be met with rebellion, into things you "want" to do because that is more holistically motivating.

I struggle with this, because I have for so long been able to strong-arm function out of a depleted brain and body, such that it is reflexive to say "I need to clean up this dump because I'm an unlovable slob who absolutely must get their shit together and pick up their damn mail from everywhere." instead of "I want to live in a clean house, so I will pick up my papers."

Sometimes it's easy to do things I don't want to do. Sometimes it's a fight. I almost always win though, I can manipulate, cajole, bribe or force myself to do just about anything. The one hard and fast rule-when the thing is accomplished, you do not get to congratulate yourself- because you shouldn't get congratulations for things you are supposed to do.

I think often that I am doing a good job at functioning- I'm staying clean enough, I'm keeping house enough, I'm reading enough of the books and studying enough to slide by so no one comes and picks at the cracks. It is utterly disappointing when this is revealed to not be the case, and my best effort to fly incognito has failed. People start asking if I'm alright, and "I'm fine, of course. I just didn't sleep well."

What I really want now is some time completely left alone. I'm tired of having animals, and I'm tired of having someone breath audibly near me, and I'm tired of another person needing my energy and affection. I am getting hit with drowning floods of self hatred so deep and profound it has made me feel almost bullet proof- my life could explode right now and I don't even think it would register. I'm not even mentally in my body most of the time anyway. I wake up and I walk on because other people expect me to be there when I am needed, on-call like. I have deadlines, due dates, expectations that I am holding, and I cannot put them down and fail. I literally do not know what would happen to me if I put them down.

I see the collateral damage of my depression- I have a sad partner who misses me and I can only imagine wishes I were happier and more engaged or involved in any way in our relationship. I don't want to be touched, or comforted, or talked to. I don't want to laugh, or make love, or go for a walk. I don't want to be seen or gestured to or interacted with. I live with someone who desperately wants to do those things, and wants to help me feel better. I have someone who loves me so much, and often I really wish they wouldn't love me quite so much. It hurts to be letting them down so often and so much when you can only have the worst parts of yourself facing outward.

What I would really like, what I really desperately want, is to be left profoundly alone to break in peace.